It’s autumn…getting cold….windy. There’s no point going outside now the summer’s over right? No you morons.
Now’s the perfect time to play THE HAPPENING! It’s a great game based on the massive hit blockbuster by M Night Shyamalan.
To play, you need the following:
1) A windy day and an open field or park
2) At least 4 friends: 1 to play Mark Walhberg’s character, 1 to play Zooey Deschannel’s character (you can both be the same sex in this game because there’s no hanky panky between them because they’re super tense throughout the film about something that I don’t remember. I think Zooey Deschannel had coffee with some other guy and Mark Walhburg is suspicious. This sub-plot goes on for 90+ minutes) and at least 2 other people to be ‘tree fodder.’
So, the rules:
– The trees are mad at you and trying to kill you
– You need to try and get from one end of the park to the other
– Everytime the wind blows you need to scream and run across the park
– Occassionally, the other people whom are not Mark Walhberg or Zooey Deschannel need to throw themselves on the ground elaborately and play dead. (The method actors amongst you might like to throw yourselves on to your keys).
– Repeat this frequently
– During a particular lull, the person playing Mark Walhberg needs to try and negotiate with the trees.
– During another lull, the person playing Zooey Deschannel needs to confess to Mark Walhberg that she had coffee with another man. The person playing Mark Walhberg needs to appear devasted.
– Continue to run amok across the park for another twenty or so minutes and then abrubtly stop without explanation, ala the film.
It’s a blast!
Have recently been honoured by being named as best-man in an upcoming wedding….no ideas for stag-do….
It was my birthday recently (hooray for me) and I was lucky enough to receive a John Hughes collection full of greats like The Breakfast Club, Weird Science, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off…then I stumbled across Sixteen Candles, Hughes’ directorial debut.
It tells the woes of a young girl, Sam, who seems to fade into the background. So much so, that her family forget her sixteenth birthday and the popular boy she likes in school doesn’t even know she exists…or so she thinks.
And so we get to the third act. The popular boy (Jake) has grown tired of his girlfriend Caroline, who lies on his bed in a drunken stupor, and longs to be with our heroine Sam. He tells a comic-relief character, known only as The Geek, that he can ‘have’ his girlfriend, and so follows a series of events that comically appear to present a prima facie case of rape pursuant to the Sexual Offences Act 2003. Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh wait.
First, let’s breakdown the offence: To commit the offence of rape (Section 1 – Sexual Offences Act 2003) both the mental element (mens rea) and act element (actus reus) need to be present.
So, the actus reus:
Section 1 a) (b) requires penetration by a winky.
We can assume this happened from the discussions between The Geek and Caroline after the fact.
THE GEEK Did we, uh... CAROLINE Yeah. I'm pretty sure. THE GEEK Um, excuse me, but do you... Do you know if... Um, did I enjoy it?
And the final element of the actus reus is:
Section 1 b) Requires that the complainant does not consent (we’ll return to this point later).
Now, the mental element, the mens rea:
Section 1 c) The defendant does not reasonably believe that the complainant consents. (Again, we’ll return to this shortly)
S1 a) The penetration by the winky must be intentional ( I think it’s fair to assume this point).
Now, let’s look further into the consent issue:
There are two key issues to consider relating to consent. The first is whether anything within the facts may have fallen within Section 75 which details Evidential Presumptions about Consent.
The obvious one to select from here would be S75 (2) (d) ‘The complainant was asleep or otherwise unconscious at the time of the relevant act.’
So, as per S75, if, whilst Caroline was unconscious, The Geek intentionally penetrated her with his winky, then Caroline will be deemed to have not consented (S 1(b)) and The Geek will also be deemed not to have had reasonable belief that Caroline consented (S1 (c)) unless sufficient evidence to the contrary can be adduced.
(As a side note, as per S75 (1) (c) The defendant must also know that the above circumstance in S75 (2) (d) exist.)
But…the real zinger is what happened before the sex:
Who are you?
She’s totally gone.
This comical situation will likely fall under Section 76, Conclusive Presumptions about Consent.
Section 76 (2) considers circumstances where ‘the defendant intentionally induced the complainant to consent to the relevant act by impersonating a person known personally to the complainant.’ (As a side note, this provision requires a causal link between the impersonation and the inducing of the consent to be proved by the prosecution, hence the ‘induced…by impersonating’).
So, if it is proved that The Geek did the relevant act, (intentional penetration with his winky) and the circumstances in S76(2) above, existed, then it is conclusively presumed that Caroline did not consent (s1 (b)) and that The Geek did not reasonably believe that Caroline consented (S1 (c)), regardless of any evidence to the contrary.
In short, we now have a complete offence of rape, according to modern English law, in a heart-warming 1980s coming of age movie.
Oh god that’s depressing. Quick, someone put Uncle Buck on.
Ah, that’s better.
I love the phonetic alphabet. I can communicate clearly and pretend to be a bad-ass cop all whilst renewing my home insurance. But something strange is happening. The phonetic alphabet that we all know and love just isn’t universal anymore.
‘Your postcode sir’ they say.
‘Sierra Whiskey Nineteen’ I reply.
‘So that’s C W nineteen…’
‘No, how did you get that?’
‘C for Ciara…’
‘No, no, S for Sierra…not Ciara….she’s a hip-hop artist….’
This has happened to me at least twice so I can only conclude that it happens to everyone all the time and that something must be done!
Wouldn’t it be so much clearer if you could just call up your bank and say:
‘Solid Gold Dancer – Woop Woop, that’s da’ sound of da’ police! – nineteen’.
Everyone can understand that.
And so, without further ado, I present to you, the new phonetic alphabet, the Hip-Hop Phonetic Alphabet!
A for ‘The adventures of Grandmaster Flash.’
B for Bitch get outta’ the car!
C for Cyprus Hill, or of course, the classic, C for Ciara.
D for DJ, as in, ‘What the hell happened to DJ Jazzy Jeff?’
E for Explicit Lyrics.
F for Fiddy
G for G-unit……. or of course, Grandmaster Flash!
H for Homey, as in, ‘What is up my homey?’
I for ‘I’ve got the power!’
J for Junk, as in, ‘What ya’ gonna’ do with all that Junk inside your trunk.’ [nb. it is customary for the recipient to reply with ‘I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk, Get you love drunk off my humps.’
K for Kane ,as in, ‘Big Daddy Kane.’
L for LL Cool Jay
M for Milkshake, as in, ‘My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard…..’
N for Notorious BIG
O for Original Gangsta’
P for ‘Pop a cap in yo’ ass!’
Q for Queen Latifah, as in, ‘Yes Queen Latifah is Hip-Hop’
R for Run DMC
S for Solid Gold Dancer [insert mandatory dancing move]
T for Tupac
U for Ultramagnetic MCs (Yes they exist – Do you remember the old gang? Kool Keith, Ced Gee, TR Love and Moe Love. Oh and let’s not forget Tim Dog )
V for Vanilla Ice!
W for ‘Woop woop, that’s the sound of da’ police!’
X for DMX
Y for Yo, as in, ‘Yo!’
And of course….
Z, as in, spelling things with a Z instead of an S because it’s cool and also badass.
Try it now!!!
Pretty Pictures by Peter Spence ( http://monotonouschirrup.blogspot.com/)
Words by Robert Norris